Quick Entry

I have been thinking a lot recently about the information recently obtained regarding my wife, the ignorance I have lived in and especially the bearing that the lack of knowledge has had on some of the most defining moments in my life thus far.

When I was deployed overseas I told myself that it was a perfect opportunity to test her resolve, her loyalty. While we had agreed to not be together during the deployment in reality I was seeing if she wanted to be with other people, it would provide the perfect opportunity because I was unable to start a relationship, being around males 99.97% of the time and if she could resist the advances of other men while I was so unavailable then by my estimation she would be incredibly dedicated and loyal to me, to us. At times when we would speak I would ask about her dating, was it happening? The answer was always no, or I let so and so take me to dinner so that I could go out, I don’t have any feelings for him. She has always asked if I trust her truly because of my naturally suspicious nature, the fact that I took what she was saying as hard fact is evidence that I did. I believed that if I asked and she gave an answer that it was true and undeserving of closer scrutiny. I now realize that I could not have been more wrong, and when I did have questions she would say “well I am here with you aren’t I? Do you think I would be here if I didn’t [Believe in us], [Love you], [Want to spend the rest of my life with you], etc. That answer would placate me because I didn’t have an adequate defense to such a statement.

Now I find myself reflecting on new information that would have almost certainly changed the outcomes of many life decisions and I am forced to reevaluate if they were correct. Would I have still decided to ask her to marry me if I had known that she had a semi-serious relationship(s) while I was gone? Would I have chosen to build a life with a woman that continued to see an individual that she had no interest in because she knew it upset me? Would I have ever put up with a “sex-starved” marriage because of my belief in the strength of our love.

I don’t have the answers to all of these questions right now, and while I work through them I still have to undertake all of my original duties of being a successful employee, loving father, and husband. I need a two day camping trip to the middle of nowhere where I can reflect without the distractions of everyday life.

Crisis

My life seems to be slipping, slipping away faster than I can gather it together. I need to find more outlets but I cannot because each outlet I find takes more time and that is the most scarce resource I posses.

 

My sex life has never been fantastic and to be honest I struggle with the idea that it is my inexperience. At 26 I have only ever had three sexual partners and to that point on two that I really remember. At a young age I found the girl that I found to be perfect, a reflection of everything I wanted in a significant other. She made me so happy and I could be completely candid with her, or could I? looking back I think that I told myself that she was the one and began to shape myself into the person she wanted…. actually the person she needed. I was recovering from a substantial rejection from another girl that I had held in very high regard when I met her. She is now my wife, but did that happen because we are truly compatible or because I manufactured a version of myself that she couldn’t help but feel secure with, to fall in love with. Was I so desperate to find myself in my young adulthood that I simply created what I wanted, did I force this?

More and more my answer seems to be yes. May will be 8 years…. 8 years of my life living completely content with this woman, 8 years looking in the mirror and thinking to myself “Damn you are one lucky asshole.” But maybe those eight years were really just a mirage and I am just now waking up. When I don’t have sex for a long period of time (6-8 weeks) I start having trouble sleeping, I fall asleep and then about an hour later wake up with a ravenous desire to have sex, I look over at my wife, who at this time is usually still on her phone, and think that perhaps if I just try one more time that tonight will be the night. But I learned a long time ago that is not how it works. I have suffered rejection in this scenario more than every other encounter I have experienced combined, and it is devastating every time. The other night was one of these nights, however when I looked over my beautiful wife (that’s another thing that makes it so difficult, she is downright gorgeous though she will flat out deny that) and she was already asleep. I decided to go take care of the issue myself downstairs, and once there on the couch remembered the very real risk of “tug-burn”. I started to look for some sort of lubricant to help with my situation, Looking high and low and coming back empty I decided to check her purse, knowing that she likes to moisturize her hands. When I opened the purse I could not find anything but I did see her journal, she had started seeing a therapist a while ago and I thought that if I just took a peek I would be able to see how well she is coming along. The first couple of entries were pretty normal, about her family and things from her past that she wanted to address and fix. Then I started an entry to her “monster” about how she missed him and how she hated to have lost him, my first thoughts were about how I had failed and she thought she lost me. I kept reading and realization hit me like a ton of bricks, this was not about me, and it was dated only 3 years ago. There were several more entries about this “C” , or “monster” and how she knew they would never work but his rejection hurt her, apparently it still does. I was upset, I realized for the first time that I may not be the only one in her life that she cared for the way I thought we shared. So naturally I kept reading because I believe that deep down I am a masochist, I knew I should have stopped but I couldn’t I am way too curious naturally. That’s when the entries stopped and picked up 6 months later, December of 2015. One of our neighbors, lets call him shitpile, had started to talk to my wife directly over text, a lot. She told me about this and asked how I felt, I told her I didn’t mind as long as it didn’t turn into “we are bored at home” sex. I also told her thank you for telling me, I am the kind of person who would like to know these things, be them for good or bad. The entry goes on to say how he started to come over after his wife left for work and he would take any opportunity he could to sit close to my wife, to be close, to touch. She could tell he wanted her and that made her feel good. Then I started to become a bit more suspicious because he had been in our house when our son was at school. According to her entry she felt the need to tell shitpile and warn him that I was suspsicous because according to her “jealous (me) is fucking unpredictable.” He played it off cool and then asked (via text) if there was any reason that I should be jealous, and she said maybe…… over the next week he sent her good morning texts and came over, in the entry he kissed her, and she kissed him back. They made out a few times and he forced his hand inside of her, they were even so bold as to go out in public together and hold hands. In the journal after the first time that he kissed her she stopped him and told him that they shouldn’t and he said why not. She gave him all the usual reasons, the neighbors might know, you have a wife, who is pregnant with your baby. All valid reasons, all reasons that he shouldn’t…. none regarding me…. nothing about how it could hurt our relationship. (That’s something that I only realize now while writing this.) He said that none of that mattered. She eventually decided that she wanted this to turn into an affair. They had plans to fuck, when the day finally arrived and they met up she could tell that he wasn’t into it, and asked him if he wanted to go through with it. HE TOLD HER NO, he was going to be a father, he didn’t want to hurt his wife. He fucking ended it, fucking SHITPILE. Once I read this entry I knew I wasn’t going to sleep. I needed out of the house and fast. I put on my running clothes and left, I called my best childhood friend and she talked to me for a couple of hours, I was…. I am devastated. How could she do this to me? What had I done so wrong that she needed these other men?

 

I confronted her about it the next night, I told her that I felt a lot of distance between us and that I wanted to know what was wrong. Do you have anything that you need to tell me I asked, I expected a dramatic breakdown with honestly spewing forth a reckoning of untold proportions. I was met with a stoic calmness, a front of “no” and what do you mean? So I saw that I would have to tell her I knew, but I didn’t want to tell her how I knew. So I said that I couldn’t sleep and decided for a run because I didn’t want to masturbate. I said during my time out of bed I ran into someone and learned some new information. Careful not to say how I got the information. I said that I knew about her and SHITPILE and that I wanted to know, why, what happened. She told me that it was new and exciting. That she had been unhappy and confused with herself for so long that the escape was nice. She said that when he fingered her he had forced it, but she hadn’t stopped it. She told me that she didn’t know who she was and that she was a horrible person, that she could offer me nothing and that she was just holding me down, I would be better off without her…. Maybe she is right about that, maybe not. I know that she does have a lot to offer but  I also know that I cant trust her to tell me things….. and that scares me.

 

My blood pressure is ramped up and my hands ache from typing so fast, I tire of writing now, I will write more later.

 

What do I do, I have decided to work on our relationship, work on us. Try to help her be happy again…… am I a Fucking idiot? A scared little fuck? or just too in love to give up?

 

I don’t know.

How to Apply the Damage.

We do it to ourselves, or more accurately I do it to myself. I see a goal and lunge forward not taking the time to think of the repercussions on others. I know what I need to accomplish and I go for it thinking rationally and in the extreme. lets shed some illumination on what I mean.

My wife and I have recently adopted, but before that we moved across the country, bought a house, furnished (Spectacularly) said house, I have been excelling at work earning  a 5 year lead on my peers in terms of promotions and raises, we have two dogs, run a part time business and I go to school. This is all within the real of affordable, profitable and doable. I consistently strive to make my situation better in the future and to that end I have decided to pursue my education with a renewed fervor.However I would not be me if I decided to take on this challenge in a manageable way. Instead I will just add on to my existing workload. Increasing the number of credit hours I took was potentially beneficial, deciding to take on two concurrent sciences with labs and increasing my work demand was not. Hands down.

I’m sitting alone in a Starbucks Cafe at 1930 writing to the static of my WordPress instead of working on either the extra credit I have, the required homework, or studying for the test I have all of which only applies to one of the classes I’m taking. I do this not because I am secure in my grade, not because I understand the material and worry not for the upcoming Mind-slay that will be disguised as a common chemistry test. No I am doing this because I am drowning and completely and utterly afraid of failure.  I consider myself a smart man, recent events have not diminished that, just lead to the understanding that I do have limits and that they are rapidly being approached.

Writing is incredibly cathartic. Though still no replacement for exercise. I know there are very few who will read this and that is a fact that I am strangely alright with. The one aspect of my life where I don’t care if I “Win” or “Lose”. I thank you for that opportunity…

Late night ponder

Taking a minute here at this late hour to jot some thoughts down. I have taken a little time off of work this past week to try to recharge a little bit. Instead I have torn my deck out of the ground (it was in a bad state of disrepair) de-bugged the shed, done some yard work, played copious amounts of video games (a delicacy I am not often in receipt of these days) and generally stayed up way too late.

I need to get back on schedule for so many reasons. Being on a normal schedule makes every thing day-to-day that much easier. I wake up early and have some time to myself, then forget to eat and head to work, start my day with a little prioritizing session and self reflection before the day’s first fires start. Then lunch, home, gym, dinner, bath time for the little one and bedtime, then my wife and I have some time to unwind.

Another benefit to routine is economy of effort. I can prep my meals for the next week pretty simply but knowing a head of time what my goals are, recently this has been to gain weight and so I know to make high quality meals for lunch.

This time off as thrown me for a loop and eliminated any refreshment I would have gained. I am a little disappointed in myself. When it comes to gaming I am very weak-willed.

I think I’ll head off to bed now.

Assistance

I have a problem, I am absolutely unable to relax.

Even when I take time off of work to relax and hang out with my family I find myself drawn to either completing various projects around the house, starting new ones, or working toward a goal in a video game. I constantly find difficulty in merely being present.

How can I achieve something that should be so simple? How can I shut off the constant nagging in my mind to do something? It goes against my character, and my training to do so. I have been trained to always be bettering my position, and ingrained with the idea that complacency kills. In those situations that we were preparing for that was true, to stand still was to be swallowed in the swift advance. But now what do I do, how to I shut off?

The same drive that sets me apart and allows me to advance quickly in the tasks I set myself to is also what holds me back from being able to disconnect, unplug and thus recharge. I fear burnout.

So I ask anyone who is listening, how can I relax?

Hunger

hun·ger

ˈhəNGɡər/

noun

noun: hunger

  1. 1.

a feeling of discomfort or weakness caused by lack of food, coupled with the desire to eat.

“she was faint with hunger”

  • a severe lack of food.

“they died from cold and hunger”

  • a strong desire or craving.

“her hunger for knowledge”

Hunger can be used to describe several different states of being in the English language. A desire so basic as to denote the necessity for food, or a more complex drive that forces those under its call to strive for excellence. This sort of paradox is common in English.

I have always had a hunger to excel, although often times it was tempered by my irrational fear of rejection, I always believed I was unworthy as I was growing up. That idea consumed me and everything I did was tainted by it. Looking back it may be what I can attribute to my work ethic and drive now. Back then I had to work much harder than my peers to make up for the deficit I thought was inherent. When I had to give a class presentation I had the option of either fulfilling the image that I believed everyone had and not giving any effort at all, or I could work extremely hard and surpass every expectation.

I don’t reference this feeling because I want people to think I have some sort of ultra-work ethic or that I am better than anyone, because I’m not, I make mention because I see so many people with far superior circumstances wasting so much. They have had every opportunity to make meaningful and lasting change to the benefit of themselves and so many others but their view is clouded by the exact opposite feeling I lived with for so many years. They think taht regardless of what they do it will turn out fantastic because they are so outstanding. I worry for these people and those in their charge.

One of the things I am most fascinated by right now is management and social theory. The ability to effectively lead and manage people is to me a fine art. It takes a highly analytical AND empathetic mind and that is a rare combination. I want to find out and learn how to be the best leader I can be, this I think is the way to leave a real legacy. I have on occasion overheard people say “when you are old and frail, alone and suffering what will your money, position, and job do for you?” The only answer that I can come up with is “Nothing”. We all die at some point and there is no getting around this at our current level of technology and quite possibly ever. With that there will come a time when you are alone, afraid, and in pain. Your money will be utterly useless, the position you held will be out of your reach, and the job you may have loved will have moved its attention away from your frail form. What will you have? Friends? Family? But really what is that going to do for you. These loved ones cannot mend your aging; they cannot take your pain from you. Perhaps they can alleviate the aloneness you feel. I watched my sister, 19, in a coma for four days while we awaited the results of various tests. What if she could hear us and understand the situation? My mother, bless her heart, had not had the courage to make the hardest choice imaginable and so left it to me, her 25 year old son. I had to weigh the results against the prognosis and make a judgement call. I have made similar calls in the heat of combat for friends and strangers alike, but never did I imagine I would have to do the same for my own sister. She had been in a coma for 13 days by the time all of the results and advice had been received. Her chances were closer to zero than anyone would admit.

I stood at my sister’s bedside looking out the widow behind her, and away from the door. I asked her why this had happened, how could she let this happen like it was her fault, I demanded that she wake up and stop this foolishness. I cried for the first time in over six years. I was so angry and hurt at first, that she would do this to herself, her son, her mother, me. I still hold on to a lot of those feelings, and I also experience a lot of indifference, I think that is still a little bit of shock like a part of me doesn’t believe she is gone.

I was watching my nephew when It happened, when she stopped breathing for the last time. My mother was there, I had taken over babysitting with my best friend so that she could go sit with her. I got the call and in a whirlwind of activity was out the door on my way to the hospital. She was so peaceful and still. Lividity had set in and the bruising was becoming evident. I took a picture, several, why would I do that? I am too frightened to look at them now but I still have them. Why would I want to remember her that way….

 

This post was a wild ride, I don’t edit them before posting and perhaps I should for the reader’s sake. Please feel free to leave me feedback, advise, comments, anything you would like.

Another day, another decision

To some decisions are debilitating. From something as mundane as what to eat that morning (or to eat at all) to the more critical family financial strategy. Everyone makes decisions on some level every day, I’d venture to estimate that at least once a minute you make some sort of choice. For me formulating a plan and making educated decisions have always been a part of life, something so integral that it was almost an autonomic function.

My wife however is not so lucky, she will fret over a decision for months in effort to have it solved for her. Please don’t get me wrong, she is a beautiful mind and she has an affinity for children that I will never understand. It’s just that when it comes down to choosing to dedicate a couple of months to school, the weight seems unbearable… perhaps it’s an aversion to commitment?

Over the years we have fallen into certain decision making categories. She generally takes care of the dinner planning and the next  home improvement project (this one she loves and sometimes gets a bit carried away) while I take care of the finances, travel plans, and education trajectory. Sometimes we go a little too long without joining up our plans and they become a bit disenfranchised. This creates an almost immediate emergency. My wife and I rarely fight, if ever. But when we do it generally revolves around a miscommunication about our long term plans…. or sex (but that is a different story all together). When this happens we need to take a step back and have a long, long talk that usually takes place in the wee hours of the morning. We think a lot alike and that benefits us, but we are different enough to bring the right kinds of diversity to our marriage. I think that while it can be frustrating sometimes to have to fight for an idea that you think would be amazing, it really strengthens both positions by creating the antagonism necessary for real analysis and reflection. As the old adage goes  ” complacency kills”

I have an individual who works for me that absolutely cannot make a decision. Someone before me had given him a position of leadership based solely on his tenure, that is in my opinion the absolute last reason to give someone an authoritative position to hold. I can only imagine that my predecessor did this to check a box, he needed an alternate and that the guy I am talking about was merely a puppet, a funnel for all of the questions to filter through so that they only had one voice. I am so immensely displeased with his performance that he will be going into remediation soon and I will fill his position with a new ascension.

M

ore to follow on this I’m sure.

No clever title available

Every time I think I have this down and under control another week goes past without a post. As therapeutic as I find the writing it’s the time that I need to focus on. I wake up early every morning at about 445, I lay in bed some days on my phone until about 520. Then I generally take a shower, if it is a week day I came straight down, let the dogs out and head to work. On the weekends I have some time to myself. I’ll skip the shower, come let the dogs out and make a cup of tea or coffee (to satisfy my caffeine addiction) . Then I get some time to write,  or read, or sit basically whatever.

Almost exactly a month ago my wife and I adopted a child. A beautiful two year old boy, but not just any boy. This little lad was previously my nephew, my sisters son, when she unexpectedly passed away at the beginning of this year she left behind this fine young man. In her absence, and most of the time before, my mother took care of little Jack. She did a fantastic job, as she did with my sister and I, but allowed herself to lose her job due to some retrospectively very easy to work out scenarios.  Getting up in age she realized that as a single, unemployed individual that child rearing was a much more arduous task than imagined and lashed out at essentially everyone for not providing “Help”. When you live 2000 miles away the kind of help she is looking for is a bit out of the realm of possibility, and if you arrange for someone to go over and help in any capacity then you have committed a grievous crime indeed. Months back we had talked about my wife and I adopting Jack to make it easier on everyone, my being in the military made it so that in order to receive medical benefits this had to be my child in some legal fashion. We thought we were ready for this…. so when my mom kept repeating her contemplation of self destruction, her repetitive cries for assistance and constant begging for someone to “just come get him before I take him to health and welfare” we rose to the challenge and accepted that this is something we need to do. It’s not right to allow a child from your linage to fall to the foster/legal system, up for grabs in terms of home and quality of life, when you have the means to undertake.

While we had contemplated having children for some time, we always had a plan. I would finish school while setting up my military career. She would develop herself in the way she desired, which from the outside seemed to be in childcare and veterinary services. I will say this, nothing will prepare you for the acquisition of a two year old…nothing. Where we used to have planned white-space to relax, lounge and recharge we now have a screaming, uncommunicative child who either wants to grab the dogs tails, eat or needs a quick change. The has been no free time, no large block of down time to relax and recharge. Now we have what we can take, getting up early to beat him to the realm of consciousness, the lull during nap-time and the couple of hours after he goes to bed.

I guess what today’s reflection would be is an emphasis on simpler times, when I could lounge about and do what I wanted/needed.

I don’t mean to sound completely negative about the situation because it is in fact NOT a negative thing. However this is journal of sorts and I am writing how a feel, as I feel. The full story will be revealed in time I imagine.

Memorial Day

Memorial day is tomorrow and I would just like to mention that it is a time for us all to remember our fallen, those who honorably gave the ultimate sacrifice to ensure our nations safety. This is a morbid day for remembrance and in spirit of that please do not thank the living veterans around you, give them your condolences for friends, family, and the brothers and sisters in arms they have lost.

That being said memorial day weekend is a fantastic time to cut loose and relax a little while enjoying that hard won freedom we so enjoy here in the United States. The weather is generally nice and all of the best attractions are open to capitalize on this moment. I really wish that I were camping this weekend, it has been far to long since I was able to unplug and center in nature. I love all of the boons technology has given us these days and the increased inter-connectivity is great in most cases. The old adage goes; everything is good, in moderation. I find it increasingly more important to find time to be alone, with out the electronic leashes and demanding personalities of the day to day grind. To reset, recharge and center for the time a head of me.

However this lovely weekend my family and I have been working around the house, trying to eradicate the mosquitoes that summer in my back yard, and create a sustainable garden. Oh and the stumps…. I hate to admit it but… I have stumps. These rotting monuments to great trees past need to be removed and that my friends is an expensive undertaking. So I have decided that I will grind them out myself, renting a stump grinder from a nearby Home Depot. If I don’t add an entry here in the next week, someone please call I think there may have been an accident! Please wish me luck, I hear people stirring and that means my time is up for now. I wish all of you a fantastic, safe, and relaxing weekend!

Hello again

This seems to be a bit more difficult than first perceived. I find myself with less and less time each day to myself and while that is not necessarily a bad thing I can still remember the days when I could do what I wanted when I wanted to and it saddens me.

We left off before on my entry into the United States Navy. I had goals in mind and my grand plan was to have the military pay for medical school while gaining valuable experience otherwise unavailable to me. I enlisted as a hospital corpsman and following initial training and corps school in great lakes, IL I earned a high enough position in class ranking to choose my duty station immediately selecting 1st Marine Division. Upon reporting to my command I was again struck with luck and our unit was selected for a combat deployment to Afghanistan. It was there that the most valuable experiences in my military career were gleaned.

This has been a short post I know, but I’ll be back.